Using the line "because I'm the adult.." - Jun 28, 2015

Recently, I've had several conversations with therapists and with the parents who come to a point where they express the line "because I'm the adult" as the justification for a rule they are laying down or breaking. Most recently, it was in regards to the "circle of friends" program bring run at one my client's houses... Let me explain...

This little boy tends to talk to anyone he can, whenever he can. Mom and dad's greatest fear is that he is going to talk to stranger in a bathroom. The family sought my help and the help of a governmental service to get the concept of "stranger danger" more engrained into him. The program brought in was that of a "circle of friends". Simply, it works in that the images of people are placed on their respective circle, with each colour differing in colour and the level of connectedness. For example, red is small and includes close family, and purple is huge and includes all strangers. People can move from one circle to another as they become more familiar to those who are the subject of this program.

The family has been having great success with the program, finding that he is talking to little to not at all to strangers, and generally doing quite a bit better. They even tested him in recent weeks without a parent present and he passed with flying colours!

Now, to hear all this success you are probably thinking: "what could go wrong?" Well, the family recently went on a camping trip in which they initiated conversation with a family at another site, and were berrated by their 5 year old for talking to strangers. Not knowing how to deal with this, they simply brushed him off and then asked for my help. They told me they would use the justification "I'm an adult so I know what to say and not say".

Then I explained the story of another family of mine who accidentally used this phrase. Their son then became a "parent" to his stuffed "parrotme" and was now able to walk beyond the printed and laminated stop sign that had been placed to deter his escape from the doors without permission. Suffice to say, the parents were shocked and we had to try a different approach.

With both parents, I explained that you should explain things as they are. For the family at the campsite, they should tell their son that sometimes you can talk to strangers, but only when mommy or daddy say its okay, and not about anything personal - that's how you make friends. For the family with the potential escape artist, we reinforced the rules, and reminded him of what mommy and daddy would feel if he left the house and wasn't where he should be.

Always remember to break down the "rules" and put them beyond "I told you so" - this could save you a problem that simply moves down the line...